Intending on taking a weekend off from drinking, I’d find myself sitting at the bar around 4pm on a Friday. And as much as I’d like to say others convinced me, it was more likely the other way around. The saddest part is that I convinced them because I thought they’d think it was cool I wanted to go start drinking immediately.
Well now my plan to not drink over the weekend was totally shot. So why take Saturday off. I’ll start Monday.
I’ll start reading Monday.
I’ll start eating healthier…Monday.
Monday I’ll take 5 days off from doing drugs.
What’s so special about Mondays? Nothing. It was just my excuse to allow whatever behavior to continue.
If you have a behavior you want to change, the answer isn’t Monday, it’s now. And it doesn’t have to be an extreme outcome.
If you want to start reading more, pick up a book and read two paragraphs — today.
If you think you want to stop drinking, ask a friend to go on a walk with you after work today and tell them.
Action towards a desired outcome will make your brain feel good. It will make your feel more in control of yourself. It will start a new pattern.
I imagine we can all identify with that last statement “feel more in control of yourself.”
But if you aren’t in control of yourself, who or what is? And in that question lies the answers you seek.
For me for my actions were driven by a lack of self worth and physical patterns of addiction etched in my brain.
It took years of professional help and a disciplined yoga practice to unravel and then rebuild the man I am today; to begin to tame my mind and be ok with myself.
My growth didn’t happen in an instance, I had to do the work daily and for a long time.
There are at least 20 years of my life I wish I could reclaim, and that’s why now not Monday is so important for me to remember.
Today I gave my keynote speech at Rainmaker.
In a culture that always tells us we need more, I am constantly amazed that it was the removal, not the addition, of something that has made all the difference.
Joining SalesLoft has made me a better human, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I stared through the window into the bar connected to my hotel in San Francisco.
Everyone was having so much fun. I remembered a time when I could participate. Unfortunately I wasn’t recalling all the pain and hurt my drinking caused.
I thought, “I don’t have to feel his way.” I could just go in. It’s the first time in two years I can remember having a thought like this.
My mind was betraying me. Which is an odd thing to think about since my mind and my body is “me”.
I was — I am — tired and frustrated. On the West Coast my East Coast meetings start at 6am, and my West Coast meetings end late. I used this as a reason not to practice.
I forgot my head medicine and refused to call my doctor for another script. A deep shame haunts me whenever I “mess up.”
I was weak from a cold I powered through the week before.
The trip was easy to blame, but this started a long time before this trip.
An overuse injury from obsessively working on a project and using my phone too much has caused me to modify my practice. I’m embarrassed my practice isn’t as strong as it once was.
It had become harder to wake up in the morning. Easier to just go to evening practice. And easier still to say I just needed to continue working in the afternoons.
Dangerous thoughts creep up. Nothing that would hurt or bother anyone else. Not yet.
The discipline and objectivity I usually enjoy had dissolved. I simply haven’t been doing what I need to take care of myself. And now it seemed like a hill too steep to climb. Better to give up.
Driving to Napa to visit with Taylor and Kory, I spill coffee in my eye. Yes again. Damn cheap ass recycled paper cups. At this point I hate everything about myself and life. I’m a total fuckup.
I arrived and began to feel safe. I was in a space with people who understood me. Here I will start taking care of myself again.
Last night I spoke to a room of yogis about my sobriety. I cried. I am grateful I am sober. I do not want to lose what I have.
I don’t have to feel this way. But the answer is within me, in my daily actions, not outside of me.
The real question is what do I need to do to take care of myself, and why would I let anything get in the way.
It just hit me today. I thought, “I need to check in on when I write again.”
I do my normal search, “How many days since January 1, 2017?”
Holy shit. Where did 10 days go? It just seems like yesterday that I scrambled to write. I have been tired. Pushing hard through the daily motions and responsibilities.
I’ve been showing up for practice, but rather than energizing, it’s been draining. I’m trying to be easy on myself.
That’s not to say I haven’t done a lot I these 10 days. I had dinner with my teacher Kathy and dear friend Megan. I hosted friends old and new at Art Crush. I hacked together a script to do some analytics work. Dove into “Thinking Fast, Thinking Slow.”
But in my memory, I just feels like it was in another life by another person a long time ago.
It just seems gone in the blink of an eye. Not how I want to live my life.
I’ve already lost 20 years before getting sober.
The last 2 years have been the best of my life. The last 8 months even more special.
I don’t want to lose even 10 more days.
I want to live a full life, but as my friend and mentor Steve coaches me, on the rested edge.
I want to be mindful in life and around the ones I love.
I want to love myself so much I don’t let anything take 10 days away from me again or my attention from the ones I love.
I don’t even know I would have noticed if I hadn’t thought to write this note.