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I’ve had a bit of existential mindset lately.
For most of my life I was motivated by insecurities that led to a need to be popular and wield power over others. I was obsessed with who I knew, what I had accomplished, and what people would do for me. My self-worth was determined by success, money, and women. It left me with a diseased mind and body.
After five years of therapy and a dedicated yoga practice, nearly two years of sobriety and with more strength to battle my demons, I am questioning how I want to spend my remaining years. It’s strange; although I am unequivocally in a much better place, I feel a bit directionless.
I often fantasize about helping solve some of our biggest problems but realize I may neither have the intellect or influence to make an impact.
Unless this is a simulation, prolonging the human race will require leaving the solar system when our sun dies or depending on a being we can’t yet comprehend appearing from a dimension we can’t yet see to save us. Who knows maybe these events are one and the same.
It seems to me we are simultaneously nothing and everything. Somewhere between now and the next 20 to 60 years I will cease to be. An unaccounted blip in the grand scheme of the human race.
The entire universe I know is perceived in my mind and that perception ends when I die. In that sense, my existence is everything relative to me.
So what shall I do?
Comfort others as we travel these 100 years together? Live selfishly, maximizing pleasure while trying to mitigate pain? Simply enjoy the ride? Study and keep what I think to myself?
Will Durant quoting Plato writes, “There is no telling where the light of talent or genius will break out. We must seek it impartially, everywhere in every rank and race.”
Maybe I can help someone and they will make an impact. How many really gifted humans are marred with drug addiction? How many geniuses will never be found in rural counties? We’re going to need everyone.
One thing is for sure, the only way is forward.
I don’t have any answers; just thinking out loud and keeping my commitment to share where I am on my journey.
And yes I think too much.