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890 days sober: Running on empty.

“Joy for human beings lies in proper human work. And proper human work consists in: acts of kindness to other human beings, disdain for the stirrings of the senses , identifying trustworthy impressions, and contemplating the natural order and all that happens in keeping with it.” – Marcus Aurelius

I’m pretty sure the it isn’t supposed to be this way. Another 10 days passed by. I hardly remember being in California last week.

If I knew God, I’d as ask if this was the direction they intended; all this human work to what end. 
I feel I’m on the right path, but I find myself exhausted.

I will count myself lucky to live 10,000 more days. Have I even stopped consider what I want to do with them?

I want to be a good partner and friend.

I want to set a good example for my niece and nephew so they don’t make the same mistakes I do.

I want to be a good leader to those who look to me for leadership.

I want to be a kind person.

Maybe I’ll write a book or three. 
Maybe I’ll find a way to make recovery, therapy and yoga accessible to all.

But here I lay unsure. I’ve emptied the tank once again, but to what end?

This feels a lot like the next day when the hangover really hurts and you say, “I’m done drinking,” and after awhile you forget the low, and you are right back going through the motions.

Maybe I writing this so I won’t forget.

Marcus writes, “You must build up your life action by action…” I just pray I take right action more often than wrong and form patterns they are healthy and sustainable for the long run.

Thanks for letting me share.

Love,

Butler