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Day 590: On porn addiction and reading

Fuck I do not want to write this. Somehow writing about drug and alcohol addiction is easier. I have made every excuse this morning not to write this. “Next month is National Recover Monthly I should wait until then.” “What will the strong women in my life think of me?” “Your house need to be clean your house before work every day.” I got up and started cleaning, but this haunted me, and here I go yet again.

My first and longest addiction was pornagraphy. This began before internet porn, when one actually had a stash of VHS tapes and magazines. It was bad then. And as good as the advent of the internet has been for me, in this case it crushed me.

As I began to deal with my drug addiction 5 years ago, I made the same excuse for pornagraphy as I did for alcohol. “It was normal.” “Everyone guy did it.”” “It” was not a problem. But the truth is, just like drugs and alcohol, it hurt my most intimate relationships.

In a moment it changed. I was reading Buddha’s Brain, and I read this line:

“What flows through you mind sculpts your brain.”

That day I stopped watching porn. That day I found a mantra that helped me in my battle. Just like that, one sentence, in one book, changed my thinking. It made sense to me, gave me strength, and put me in control. I did not want this in my mind.

I reflect on this line often. I do my best not to judge myself and others, to dispel the notion of right and wrong, and think of how to change impressions stamped on the mind and patterns formed in the brain. This is what gives me hope.

I read daily, even if only a few minutes, hunting for the nuggets that resonate with my soul and give me strength.

I am sure there are people and couples who enjoy pornagraphic material without the negative side effects. To each their own. For me, it hurt how I viewed and participated in relationships, and even more importantly, it affected how I felt about myself.

Now my mind is better and thus my life is better.

“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is colored by such impressions.” – Marcus Aurelius

I hope this helps someone.