Author Archives: butlerrarines

700 days sober: Where does this path lead?

“On this path effort never goes to waste and there is no failure.”

Taylor and I sat down to record an episode of his podcast. Here sat a teacher and friend I feel like I’ve known a lifetime yet it’s only been 14 months.

So much of my youth I can’t remember. Adulthood is a blur. A lifetime of being pushed and pulled by unconscious forces and conforming to what others wanted me to be while hating myself for not being the stereotypical Southern man.

700 days ago I decided to stop drinking for 90 days. I didn’t have the strength yet to say it was for good.

630 days ago, sitting a breakfast in St. John, I open Taylor Hunt’s book, “A Way from Darkness,” and highlighted every word I identified with. Later that day I stood in samasthiti and entered a yoga challenge for the Trini Foundation, even though I thought, “I am not good enough at yoga to do this.”

I committed to the 14 day challenge and somehow was one of the winners. I won a workshop with Taylor in October. I convinced myself that I could not meet him and have started back drinking.

425 days ago I met Taylor Hunt for the first time. I attended his workshop at Balance Yoga Atlanta. It was my first workshop in the nearly 4 years I had been practicing Ashtanga yoga. I was not good enough at yoga to do a workshop.

Nearly 2 months later, or 370 days ago, I boarded a plane to Costa Rica. Taylor mentioned a week long retreat he was hosting. I had never been out of the country. No one else from Atlanta was going. No way is my practice good enough to go to a retreat. I made the decision to go.

A year later, or 7 days ago, I again landed in Costa Rica, a different man, closer to who I wanted to be and who i’ve always been. Even in paradise I still had to battle my demons. Am I yogi enough to be here? Will people like me as I am?

Last night I read a book while waiting for the sun to set on Playa Venado. In that moment, I learned that the physicist Erwin Schrodinger believed we were all interconnected and in his writing he referenced Spinoza, a philosopher Dr. Flores recommended I read.

In that moment it sure felt like Schrodinger was right, and I forgave myself a little bit more.

Many of you only know about past behaviours through my stories, and those of you who knew me before I got sober, only saw what I allowed you to see. People knew I liked to party and often drank “too much”. No one knew to what extent I was drinking.
A friend sent me the picture from April 2012. It’s as close a picture I have to what my old life was like. This was just a beautiful summer day, probably around 1pm, I was drinking Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle, and even this picture doesn’t show the numerous other substances that were likely in my body. This was my normal.

Neither best friend nor girlfriend knew I was battling a drug addiction. Plenty of other people knew I did a lot of drugs because they’d want me to hook them up. To them it was some fun they had when they got drunk on the weekends but for me it never stopped.
I thought that was living. I was killing myself.
There is a great book called the Principal of the Path by Andy Stanley. Stanley argues that although we can’t predict the future with absolute certainty, if we pause to extrapolate the path we are on, we can see the possibilities of where the path leads. If we don’t like those outcomes then we need to take action to set ourselves on a new path with new possible outcomes. The scientist in me like to think of this as taking peak in the 5th dimension and observing my possible timelines.

My path led to an early death, jail, and causing other great sadness.

I chose a different way. I admitted to my best friends and girlfriend I had a problem. I surrendered to the guidance of others. I learned about myself and why I behave the way I do. I took up yoga to start healing my body.

I used to hate myself, and I did everything I could to destroy my childhood identity. Now I am thankful to be alive. I don’t hate the guy on the left anymore, I love him. I love him because I would not be the man I am today without him.

If the guy on the left can change, anyone can change, and that gives me hope for all of humankind.

We are all on this journey together, let’s not make enemies of ourselves or each other.

“I know what I’m asking but would you be willing to take on a project like me?”

“I am willing to help in any way I can, but this is not my project to take on. It is your project.

Writing it tore my heart. I’m open to talking to anyone who reaches out. I am willing to share my story with anyone that wants to hear it.

I’m happy to hear people questioning their behaviors — it is the first step, but sobriety is an internal project. No one else can take it on.

I know they didn’t mean it that way. They just needed help, but in matters of life and death honesty is required.

No one can save you, but you. I waited forever for someone to save me. People tried. People cared. But ultimately they were powerless.

I had to come to the conclusion, and then I had to do the work.

You can’t make your son or daughter stop doing drugs. You can’t make your brother or sister quit drinking.

You can support them. You can be a source of accountability. Maybe you provide the spark that makes them begin to question their behavior. You can be a warm beacon in sea of cold despair; showing them that someone still cares, but you can’t force them to change their behavior. As hard as you may try, you simply can’t.

The addict has to want something different for themselves. Then they have to do the work.

The underlying reasons driving addictions are as different as those suffering. Many people don’t know why they do the things they do, if they are even aware they are doing them. Many don’t care to ask or know. The reasons can span generations or spring from a single moment of trauma. The trauma can be something that happened to them or some care they never received.

I can only share what has worked for me.

I continue to learn about myself and life through psychotherapy and studying philosophy.

I build self-discipline and strength through my yoga practice.

I share openly about my experiences and hope it can help someone.

I thought I’d die either from or because of my addictions. I thought I could not be saved.

I didn’t die. I am doing the work. I am very much alive. More alive than ever before.

“Slow your breathing Butler” “I am trying. I can’t.” “You can.” I could feel myself getting annoyed. I really was trying to breathe, but instead my breath was short and gasping.

That day I practiced in the evening. I recall I made a cup of coffee for the trip to the shala. I was at least my 6th or 7th cup.
I began to examine why I felt annoyed and why I could not control my breathe. This seems to be the very opposite of yoga. In yoga I am attempting to calm my nervous system, and coffee was keeping me in fight or flight.

I had also been battling excessive throat clearing for nearly a year. It was particularly pronounced in the quiet hum of a Mysore room.

So I decided give up coffee for 30 days and see what would happen.

September was National Recovery Month. I thought it symbolic to tackle my coffee habit during this time. I would be a form of solidarity and a reminder of what it was like to give something up — my own secular lent.
I quite a 10 year drug addiction and a lifetime of drinking cold turkey. I could do this. But in true addict fashion I made excuses not to start. I started Sept 4th.

I can attest withdrawal from caffeine was physically the more harsh. At first, I experienced the commonly reported headaches. By day 3, I developed excruciating pain in my lower back and both legs similar to sciatica.
I also lost a lot of strength. Apparently the adrenaline from caffeine was powering my jump backs and arm balances because they were no longer available to me.

Excessive caffeine consumption keeps cortisol levels high which in turn tells your body to store belly fat. Maybe I would trim up. Nope. I replaced coffee with a ice cream and pizza.
Eventually, I slept more soundly. I had very vivid dreams which was new for me.
I was less anxious at work and in more control of my banter.

I began to use my bandhas and breath to find strength.

I learned I don’t need caffeine to function.

I hope this changes my relationship with caffeine.
Take it from an addict, caffeine is a drug. It may be accepted, and it may have health benefits, but you may be physically addicted.

Tucked away in Atlanta, GA is my home shala, @balanceyogaatlanta If I had not found Balance 4.5 years ago I would not be sober.

I am from a small town, population 500, in Georgia. I rode a bus for an hour up and down dirt roads to go to school in the neighboring towns 15 miles away. This is football country, sometimes basketball and baseball if the high school is making a good run. Not even soccer back then. Definitely no yoga.
My first exposure to yoga was when I dated Kristy in graduate school circa 2002. She was a Jewish girl turned Buddhist and had an active yoga practice. She ultimately left me because I was an asshole, a drunk and an addict. The email left open on my computer to hery advisor forever etched in my mind, ” My boyfriend is an addict…” A decade would pass before I found myself in Atlanta teaching high school. Eventually I was recruited to work as a web developer for a startup in Buckhead. On the outside things seemed great, but I was beginning to unravel. My addictions left a wake of debt, and a lack of savings caused me to scramble when housing prices in Inman Park increased. I could barely stay afloat. My anxiety was overwhelming me. I would start drinking earlier in the day.

My coworker Sarah barely knew me. She gave me an affordable place to stay above her garage. I was tired, depressed and broken. I was simply waiting to be found out and lose everything. In June of 2013 I sought professional help. I admitted all my transgressions, vices and addictions. As we treated my drug addiction, I was unconvinced drinking was a problem.

Six months later, sitting alone in my room, I typed “basic yoga atlanta” into Google. A few weeks later I started a basics of Ashtanga yoga class at Balance Yoga.
At Balance I have found discipline and accountability; vulnerability and strength. My practice led me to quit drinking. The Balance community supported me. The teachers never gave up on me.
Thank you.

People would say life is about balance. I was never able to just have one drink or only “party” on the weekends.

For me life is not about finding balance. It is about showing up and doing the hard work. #yoga
364w

Five years ago today, I walked into Dr. Philip Flores’ office to seek professional help for an addiction I had been battling for over a decade. I was exhausted and tired of lying. I was tired of fearing people who believed in me would find out. I was tired of waking up and saying “not today” only to find myself doing that very thing hours later. Two failed long term relationships because I chose my addiction over honesty and intimacy. I not sure they ever knew why. Even my best friends had no idea I was high nearly every time we were together. I lied to everyone.

What had started out as a way to get people to like me turned into uncontrollable behavior. What was once a prop had become an addiction.

I was in a battle with myself, and I didn’t even know if I wanted to survive. It felt like both a spiral and a snowball with no way out.

I sat down, started crying and admitted I was an addict.
6 months later I found Balance Yoga Atlanta by randomly typing “yoga basics atlanta” in a search engine. In Balance, I found a loving a community. No judgement just patience and concern. I can’t imagine where I would be without this shala and my practice. I am grateful.

It would take me years to finally have the strength to go completely sober. I realized it was the only way for me to truly understand myself, begin to fully heal and begin treating others with the kindness and respect every human deserves.

Five years ago today I began to choose me. I chose to live. I am fortunate to have friends who supported and cared for me. A best friend who never gave up on me. A coworker who took me in and sheltered me.

I do not wish my past on anyone, but I am grateful for who I am today. I am not perfect nor do I wish to be. I am strong and resilient and happier than I ever remember being. I would not trade my life with anyone.

If you need help, admit and seek it. You can change. You can get better. There is no shame in choosing yourself and getting the help you need.

Thank you for listening. I love y’all.

470 Days Sober: Choosing to do what is right for me.

Yesterday day I completed @taylorhuntyoga#Ashtanga intensive in Ohio. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

I’ve never been good at choosing to do what is right for me. I just let life happen to me. Often letting other people drive.

I have a chemistry degree simply because it was the shortest path to a degree when I was forced to choose. I went to graduate school because my professor suggested it.

Even when addictions were destroying my mind and body, I would not quit because I thought it was the only thing people liked about me.

5 years ago I began to take control of my life. I admitted I had a problem. I chose to get help.

6 months later I signed up for a basics of Ashtanga class. I was 240 lbs, newly in recovery and still a drunk. Yet I chose to keep practicing.

Last year I chose to stop drinking. For those who don’t know, Taylor conspired to help me get sober before I ever met him. I am forever grateful. When I learned he was hosting an intensive I wanted to go. However… I was “supposed” to go to the beach. You know, get some R&R from my rewarding yet stressful life. My friend Glen and I were already planning this year’s trip. I didn’t want to disappoint my friends. I mean, who would understanding trading a week in St John for Columbus, Ohio.

I also do not consider myself an adept yogi. I did not “belong” at a yoga intensive.

And I knew by going I’d have to face a truth I didn’t want to face.

Taylor and I spoke, not about the intensive, but about our mutual belief that yoga can help those suffering from addiction. After our conversation, I knew where I needed to be.

I arrived at our house, and even amongst close friends, I reverted to old patterns of thinking. My brain told me I didn’t fit in, and I felt like didn’t know how to connect.

I needed to focus on why I was there. Everything else had to be secondary.

Practice drained me physically, emotionally, mentally, yet every day I chose to show up and begin again. Every day this group gave their all. They inspired me to do the same.

I was strong enough to do what was right for me.

I feel like I belong.

As I stepped up to talk about our product vision, the question hit me, “How did this Southern boy from a town of 500 get here? Six years ago I was teaching high school chemistry.” Sixteen years ago I set out to get a PhD in chemistry at the University of Florida. Although I enjoyed my research in nanomembranes and quantum dots, I gravitated to teaching. Computers, and later the internet, always fascinated me so I started a website to help my students with their chemistry questions. A friend in computer science recommended Drupal, a platform written in PHP, as a framework for my question and answer forum.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I did not finish my PhD.
With my masters degree and hurt pride, I took a job as an chemist in Savannah before pivoting to teach a few years later.

Thinking it would be a good for my resume, I kept the chemistry website going. As the website grew, my skills grew out of necessity. SEO (my #1 skill on LinkedIn) began to drive traffic to the website. Higher traffic required me to learn how to optimize servers and databases. My teacher salary “inspired” me learn about ads, and the advent of social media changed everything.

I started freelancing as a web developer to supplement my income.

In 2008 I set up a LinkedIn profile. Based on my SEO knowledge, I made some assumptions on how LinkedIn search worked and optimized my profile around my experience in Drupal and PHP. I started meeting more people and landing more projects. One summer Randi, a recruiter for NDN, found me on LinkedIn. I took the job shortly after. It was the culmination of all the skills I developed since graduate school.

As NDN grew, we hired a VP of Product, and I met my first product mentor, Rob Sheppe. I joined his team shortly after.

One morning I woke up to a LinkedIn notification on my phone. It was a message from Kyle Porter asking to chat about “determining the future.” Yesterday I celebrated my two year anniversary at SalesLoft as Head of Product. I have grown like never before, and the people I work with at SalesLoft inspire me daily to be the best me I can be.

Late 2013. Jonathan and I had been trying to grab lunch for awhile. We hadn’t seen each other in months. He is one of the smartest guys I know. The kind of person you listen to. Growing up he was both a brainiac and an athlete, but like me, gained a lot of weight as an adult. As he walked up the sidewalk I barely recognized him. He looked 20 years younger and 50 lbs lighter. He read a book called “Eat to Live” and eating a plant-based diet.

Dec 31st 1013 A slammed back my last whiskey for the night and wrote a note to tell the bartenders at Kaleidoscope I would miss them. I think I actually wrote “fuck y’all,” but they knew what I meant. I had decided to not drink for the next 90 days. You know, to “prove” I wasn’t an alcoholic and to try to lose weight.

January 2014 I searched for the the most beginner yoga class I could find. I committed myself doing a Basics of Ashtanga yoga class at Balance Yoga. I was introduced to yoga by a girl I dated in graduate school. We did not have such things in the small rural Georgia town I grew up in. Search engine optimization (SEO) and love led me to Ashtanga yoga.

Over the course of the next few months:

I did not drink, practiced yoga 2-3 times a week, ate a plant-based diet and walked 2 miles twice a week. Atu and I played racquetball once a week. I lost 26 lbs in 90 days.

Ninety days later, on March 31st, my birthday, I started drinking again. I fortunately did not give up yoga. I credit the loving community at Balance Yoga.

The next few years I persisted on a mostly vegetarian(ish) diet. I ate eggs at Waffle House most mornings. Most evening I had whiskey, brussel sprouts and pimento cheese. I was injured a lot. Drunk a lot. And unhappy a lot. I got down to 182 lbs but was not healthy. I plateaued in life.

Jan 1st 2017. I stopped drinking. I follow the Ashtanga method of yoga and practice Mysore style 5 days a week. I seem to have an aversion to led primary. I try to eat healthy, but eat more sugar than I’d like. I read and write. I am happy, healthier and in love with my life. My goals and practice are now spiritual and philosophical; fitness is just a side effect.

I started the day with a hangover. Unfortunately this was not uncommon back then. I had to “teach”. Today would be a movie day.

I enjoyed teasing my students with music, movies and people outside of their pop culture knowledge. We had “guess the song” pop quizzes that featured 90 rap, 80s music and golden country. With my head pounding and looking for something somewhat science based, I happened upon “How William Shatner Changed the World”. They would meet Captain Kirk.

A thesis in this movie was that much of the technology we enjoy today was first “invented” by writers and set designers who constructed technology out of words and carboard boxes. This on-screen technology etched in some kid’s mind, and they dreamed of building it one day.

Years later I was invited to ideate with some really smart people for friend’s new business concept. Their professions ranged from art, design, policy to technology. Chris Appleton of WonderRoot and I openly discussed the differences and similarities in how artists and software engineers think and work. I realized how little I knew about an artist’s work, but something seemed familiar and akin to why I enjoyed programming.

Artists can “build things” way before the technology exists. I began to question just how fictive our world is.

I set out to learn more about the local art community. I didn’t know where to start. Nevertheless I set out. My plan was to engage with Chris and WonderRoot, but along the way I found BURNAWAY. I joined BURNAWAY’s board knowing very little about art. I wondered how my country ass would fit in.

I was at opening at Kibbee Gallery There was this damn pink cat with big green eyes. I was mesmerized by this piece but was afraid to buy it. I didn’t know if it was the “right” type of art to buy. I worried if other people would like it. The same themes that have haunted me my entire life.

Preston approaches me. “Butler if you like it, buy it. It is obvious you do. There is no requirement other than if YOU love it or not.” I bought my first piece of art that night.

Tonight I am helping host BURNAWAY’s Art Crush. I hope to see you there. Come as you are.

NO whiskey was consumed in the recreation of this event. See less