Author Archives: butlerrarines

Really Facing Yourself for the First time

Warning: Awareness may come with pain.

I’ve been completely sober for 200 days. The last 10 days have been the hardest since I entered recovery 4 years ago. I spent 20 years numbing pain and excusing behaviors I did not understand. I lived a persona who pretended not to care.

I thought addiction was the problem. It was but a problem.

I thought drunkenness was the problem. It was but a problem.

But when you are sober and willing to be aware, only then are you truly forced to examine yourself, see the truth and own it. And that truth for me is old and painful. My truth has to do with accepting myself and believing others willingly accept me. Unfortunately, as life goes, this type of understanding came only in hindsight and at a great cost.

My philosophy teaches me that since you can’t change the past, you can only only learn and move forward. The Stoics make it seem like it is an instant pivot, but I believe the powerful lessons come when you pause and let yourself feel and admit your new understanding of yourself to the universe. Don’t numb it!

“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but unwilling to improve themselves.”

I’ve recently been forced to see myself for the first time. To recognize some harsh truths about some behaviors. I am now aware and committed to correcting these behaviors I previously could not see or understand. It fucking sucks, it hurts but it is necessary. Just when you think you have tackled the hard stuff you have to tackle the really hard stuff.

I am mad at myself for not seeing this before. I am mad I did not give up drinking years ago when Walker encouraged me. I am mad I did not have the foresight to be patient on this journey. I am mad I hurt someone special. It is hard to looking back on the last 20 years of my life and see these patterns in every relationship. But here we are and forward we go.

In six months from now what will I have learned about myself? What man will I be? Hold me accountable. I am still learning a lot about myself. Please be patient with me.

I love y’all

It has been over half a year since I stopped drinking (190 days). This is an attempt at an honest reflection. Is it worth it? Absolutely. However, it is not easy or without pain. For me. For those who love me. If addiction is a wave of destruction, sobriety is a rollercoaster of emotion, shortcomings and learning. Joy and Pain. Like sunshine and rain.

Ashtanga yoga was essential to my decision to stop drinking. Yoga helped me understand what was wrong in my life and what needed to change. I have made more progress in 6 months of not drinking than the three years before.

I experience joy, much joy. I was unfamiliar with the emotion. I think I had the happiest days of the last 20 years in the last 6 months. Taking my niece and nephew to the Renaissance Festival is the best day I’ve ever had.

I rediscovered a passion for learning and study, and unearthed a love for philosophy. It now sit and learn from the likes of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and Pantajali daily. Living is an art.

I love being present when I am with people. It is the greatest gift I can give. It is a struggle in this age of distraction, but I do my best.

It has not been without pain. It is hard it is to love someone who has chosen to get sober. We often don’t love ourselves. Even in sobriety, I can leave a wake of destruction as I struggle to figure out who I am.

I now know what it really feels like to hurt and disappoint without my armor of whiskey to protect me. I have no way to hide from it. No substances to blame for my behavior. I have no excuses. I am left wishing I had done things differently. I carry the responsibility to learn from it seriously.

I vacillate between being open and vulnerable and being scared and needing to protect myself. I now exist with the same thoughts and feelings that drove my addictions but without a way to numb them. I am raw and exposed, often flailing.

But above all I am grateful. I am grateful to all of my friends who love and support me. You continue to love me even when I don’t love myself. It has taken an army of people to get to where I am today. Thank you. I hope I am honoring you with the path I am on. I will not let you down.

I love you.

In 170 days of not drinking the hardest part so far is realizing how flawed I still am. I still make huge mistakes. I still hurt others deeply. I still hurt myself. I still don’t know myself.

Sobriety did not fix me.

However sobriety has made me more aware. Sobriety has given me the opportunity to take an honest look at myself. Sobriety has given me the space and energy to work towards becoming the person I want to be. Sobriety has allowed me to take responsibility for the outcomes in my life.

I cannot undo mistakes I have made in the last 20 years. I can’t even undo the mistakes I made last week, but I can now admit my mistakes and move forward with these learnings and strive to be better than I was.

I love you

4 years and 145 days. Today is 145 days of no drinking. Today is 60 lbs ago. Today is also the 4 year anniversary of me beginning to retake control of my life. Today four years ago I walked into an office in Sandy Springs and said I had lost in a 10 year battle with addiction, and I needed help. Every day since has been hard. Every day since my friends have had to deal with my roller coaster of emotions and cries for support. I am forever grateful to you. You give me strength. I struggled if I should write this and how it would affect my life, but If I can help one person who felt the way I felt 4 years ago I don’t care about the consequences. If you need help please reach out to me. I don’t have all the answers but I will help you. I know it can be done. Yoga was part of the answer for me. If you ever wondered why I love yoga so much and the Balance Yoga Atlanta community please read this link.

Day 140 of no drinking completed. What does one do on this day instead of drink? Dress up like an elf with my niece and nephew of course. I spent most of my adult life running from myself. I somehow learned it wasn’t cool to be nerdy; that it wasn’t ok to love to study and dream of dragons and elves and Jedi and starfighters. I want my niece and nephew to know they should never be ashamed of who they are and what they love and that they can express themselves however they choose as long as they do it with love and empathy.

Some other notes:

The resiliency of kids is awesome. We went from puking on the floor in a restaurant in the morning to playing knight and princess. I wish I could realize that type of turnaround in a day.

I hope I was successful in teaching my niece to enjoy the present and the things currently in her life and not what she could have and do next (but I still bought her everything she wanted.) I have a new level of respect for parents. You are amazing and patient souls.

Appreciate what you have and be present. There is a lot of love in moment.

I love y’all

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ― Lao Tzu

Day 120 of no drinking completed. I think this picture sums up the results of this experiment. Many people have reached out in support and a few people to ask why and how. The why is complicated and probably best shared over a cup of coffee. In short, I got too drunk at a close friend’s wedding. George Michael dying made me ask why my grandfather died so young. My Ashtanga practice made me ask why I wasn’t building strength and progressing even though I was practicing. I was asking myself how much of my identity was wrapped up in drinking. I truly believed I was only liked for that side of my life. I wondered what happened to the nerdy little boy who loved Star Wars, hated drinking and wanted to study all the time. I was really tired of being an asshole when I thought I was being funny. I decided to take 120 days off from drinking and see if I could answer these questions and see how my life would change. It was time to reinvent myself. I feel healthier and more like myself that I have felt in 20 years. I am happy.

Day 100 of no drinking.

One hundred days ago I had compiled a list of all the things I needed to do to improve my life. I wanted to be a better friend. I wanted to be a better leader. I wanted to focus on people I mentor. I wanted to read more books. I wanted to be more articulate. I wanted to drop 30lbs. I wanted my yoga practice to improve. I wanted to have an organized and clean home. So much to do to be better.

Instead I decided to experiment with taking one thing away. It has made all the difference.

Thank you for all of your support especially my community at Balance Yoga Atlanta

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On Day 20 of no drinking, I finish books on Friday night.

Happy New Year everyone! I love you!

Great passage from Epictetus to start the new year (and my 60 days of no drinking and more yoga). I will need your support let me know how I can support you!

I’ve been completely sober for 320 days.

5:10 am.

Alarm. Snooze. Alarm. Definitely did not want to get out of bed.

Yoga. Definitely need to get to practice. Go to morning practice Butler. You won’t have time this afternoon.

Coffee. Something about making an actual pot of coffee is satisfying. Should I read the Sutras or Marcus Aurelius this morning.

Phone. Let me see if I need to respond to anything before I go to practice. One of my favorite parts of my yoga practice is it is an hour and a half away from devices and screens

A boot! I run outside. There is a fucking boot on my Jeep. A boot on my Jeep. A boot on my Jeep in the same reserved parking space I’ve parked in since I moved in a year and a half ago.

I call. Of course it is a 3rd party messenging service at 5:45 am. Of course the “technician” doesn’t have the authority to pull the charge. Of course a manager can call me back “within 24 hours.” Of course I need to “wait by my vehicle” because the “technician” isn’t required to call me.

I was pissed and began immediately thinking of all the ways this event had already ruined my day. But as I stood in the cold in my pajamas and sweatshirt, I started to smile. All I could think about is how grateful I am for my life. I am blessed beyond measure. I love my life. I love my job. I love my friends. I love my communities. I love myself. I am loved. This was a slight inconvenience at the most.

When the “technician” arrived I wasn’t angry. I smiled and asked him to take a picture. He looked surprised. I told him today I had been sober for 320 days, and I grateful for my life. I knew this wasn’t his fault. We spent the he next 15 minutes sharing stories and talking about some struggles in his family.

Compared to all the blessings in my life and all the suffering in the world, the inconvenience of of paying a fine for a boot on my expensive Jeep in my reserved parking space outside my expensive apartment that caused me not to go to my fancy yoga class is insignificant.

Maybe the universe was simply charging me for perspective today.

I love y’all.