Today I gave my keynote speech at Rainmaker.
In a culture that always tells us we need more, I am constantly amazed that it was the removal, not the addition, of something that has made all the difference.
Joining SalesLoft has made me a better human, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I stared through the window into the bar connected to my hotel in San Francisco.
Everyone was having so much fun. I remembered a time when I could participate. Unfortunately I wasn’t recalling all the pain and hurt my drinking caused.
I thought, “I don’t have to feel his way.” I could just go in. It’s the first time in two years I can remember having a thought like this.
My mind was betraying me. Which is an odd thing to think about since my mind and my body is “me”.
I was — I am — tired and frustrated. On the West Coast my East Coast meetings start at 6am, and my West Coast meetings end late. I used this as a reason not to practice.
I forgot my head medicine and refused to call my doctor for another script. A deep shame haunts me whenever I “mess up.”
I was weak from a cold I powered through the week before.
The trip was easy to blame, but this started a long time before this trip.
An overuse injury from obsessively working on a project and using my phone too much has caused me to modify my practice. I’m embarrassed my practice isn’t as strong as it once was.
It had become harder to wake up in the morning. Easier to just go to evening practice. And easier still to say I just needed to continue working in the afternoons.
Dangerous thoughts creep up. Nothing that would hurt or bother anyone else. Not yet.
The discipline and objectivity I usually enjoy had dissolved. I simply haven’t been doing what I need to take care of myself. And now it seemed like a hill too steep to climb. Better to give up.
Driving to Napa to visit with Taylor and Kory, I spill coffee in my eye. Yes again. Damn cheap ass recycled paper cups. At this point I hate everything about myself and life. I’m a total fuckup.
I arrived and began to feel safe. I was in a space with people who understood me. Here I will start taking care of myself again.
Last night I spoke to a room of yogis about my sobriety. I cried. I am grateful I am sober. I do not want to lose what I have.
I don’t have to feel this way. But the answer is within me, in my daily actions, not outside of me.
The real question is what do I need to do to take care of myself, and why would I let anything get in the way.
It just hit me today. I thought, “I need to check in on when I write again.”
I do my normal search, “How many days since January 1, 2017?”
Holy shit. Where did 10 days go? It just seems like yesterday that I scrambled to write. I have been tired. Pushing hard through the daily motions and responsibilities.
I’ve been showing up for practice, but rather than energizing, it’s been draining. I’m trying to be easy on myself.
That’s not to say I haven’t done a lot I these 10 days. I had dinner with my teacher Kathy and dear friend Megan. I hosted friends old and new at Art Crush. I hacked together a script to do some analytics work. Dove into “Thinking Fast, Thinking Slow.”
But in my memory, I just feels like it was in another life by another person a long time ago.
It just seems gone in the blink of an eye. Not how I want to live my life.
I’ve already lost 20 years before getting sober.
The last 2 years have been the best of my life. The last 8 months even more special.
I don’t want to lose even 10 more days.
I want to live a full life, but as my friend and mentor Steve coaches me, on the rested edge.
I want to be mindful in life and around the ones I love.
I want to love myself so much I don’t let anything take 10 days away from me again or my attention from the ones I love.
I don’t even know I would have noticed if I hadn’t thought to write this note.
Fulfilling a commitment to myself to share where I am on my sober journey. I don’t feel obligated, rather this is a note to myself.
I didn’t practice this morning. I told myself I’d go this afternoon. I haven’t. Probably won’t. Definitely won’t.
My body has changed. A year ago I would make videos of jumpbacks. However that came with shoulder pain. I’ve been doing supplemental work to open my chest and shoulders. It’s working. My posture is better, I have more mobility. I’ve been told I stand taller. The cost has been strength as I now need to activate different muscles. My shoulder pain is gone, but now doing my full practice is a struggle.
I worked long hours in January. Both professionally and on personal projects. I loved it, but there was a cost. Tendonitis, in my right elbow, it sends me crashing to my mat in chaturanga. I should modify. I don’t until I have to. I wonder what has so much power over me that I won’t do what’s best for me. I’d rather hurt than seem weak.
I joke at others’ expense. I call it kidding. It is inconsistent with who I want to be as a human. I want to provide safe places for people to learn, grow and heal. I think I’m being funny. I think I make others uncomfortable.
I beat myself up about it. It is a cycle I’m trapped in. Something I haven’t solved yet. I thought when I stopped drinking this would go away. I simply want to be impeccable with my word.
It happened today. It triggered me and degraded my mental state which snowballed. It feels like it won’t end. But it will. My data shows it will. In the moment it feels like it won’t. It feels as if the hits keep coming.
I’ve sent this pattern a thousand times. Yet even aware, my mind runs amuck.
I could go to practice. I know right action is a cure. Doing my practice would help. But I won’t, why would I do what’s best for me?
Oh because I’m hurt and I can’t do “my real practice.”
Welcome to my mind.
Tomorrow will be different.