The date March 31st holds a special significance in my recovery story.
See I didn’t just “wake up” one year and decide to get sober. I had known for years — more than a decade.
My birthday falls on the last day of the third month of the year. I often used this fact to challenge myself to do or not do something through my birthday ~ 90 days most years.
Some years were more successful than others.
Two years prior to getting sober, I successfully committed to not drinking for 90 days.
At the time it was a huge accomplishment for me. At the end of the 90 days, I felt great, I lost weight and I was happier — maybe even less of an asshole at the time, but on April 1st — by lunch if I remember correctly — I ordered my next whiskey.
The thing is in that year, I really wanted that 90 days to be forever. For a plethora of reasons that would take me writing a book to examine, I “chose” to pick the bottle back up.
Over 15 years there were countless tries and days-long streaks I so desperately needed to stick. I was not strong enough to make the changes I needed to make in those moments.
45 feels heavy. Not because I feel old. In fact I feel holistically the healthiest I’ve ever felt.
But I am left asking why am I so lucky? Why after so many years of sabotaging my own life do I get to have the great job, amazing friends and a wonderful relationship. I did nothing special. I’d argue I did most things wrong.
Somehow I didn’t give up. What was once a wish to die became a will to change. I kept listening and kept trying.
It took many years of failed streaks to get to where I am today.
Don’t worry about how many times you tried before just please don’t give up.
Be a goldfish.
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