Monthly Archives: July 2017

“Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the truths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting before becoming.” -Victoria Erickson

Arrogance told me I could do this on my own. My ego demanded it. The truth is even though I am surrounded with the most amazing and supportive friends and communities anyone could ever hope for, I often feel alone. Drinking was such a part of my identity. I had no choice but to ask for help.

In the last 10 days, I found myself unconsciously walking to my favorite bar — fortunately having the strength to sit on a bench and write instead. I have had to asked friends to give up their personal time to just sit with me without being able to explain. I conceded and asked strong men and women I know in recovery for guidance. I went to AA for the first time because an angel of a friend reached out at just the right time.

I’ve been been drunk for more than 20 years. I remember being on front campus of college in my 20s, and after a short pleasant conversation this acquaintance commented, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sober before.” Back then I foolishly saw it as a badge of honor. Hearing this 20 years later at the age of 40 was a wake up call that helped set me on this journey.

What started as a 120 days experiment became a choice to stop drinking. I choose to face my past, fully experience the present and become the best man I can be. The man I want to be.

I feel I have a lifetime of lessons to learn and behaviors to unlearn. It is daunting and recently feels like I’m at war for my soul. But this is why I chose this path — to, for once, feel the things I need to feel and make the changes I need to make. Being honest with yourself is brutal. Regret fucking sucks. Pain is necessary, and it is ok to ask for help. I will endure, and I will do the hard work required.

There is no going back; there is only through.

Thanks for letting me hold myself accountable to you. Thank you to my brother for leading the way. Happy birthday. I love you. I could not do this without you.

Really Facing Yourself for the First time

Warning: Awareness may come with pain.

I’ve been completely sober for 200 days. The last 10 days have been the hardest since I entered recovery 4 years ago. I spent 20 years numbing pain and excusing behaviors I did not understand. I lived a persona who pretended not to care.

I thought addiction was the problem. It was but a problem.

I thought drunkenness was the problem. It was but a problem.

But when you are sober and willing to be aware, only then are you truly forced to examine yourself, see the truth and own it. And that truth for me is old and painful. My truth has to do with accepting myself and believing others willingly accept me. Unfortunately, as life goes, this type of understanding came only in hindsight and at a great cost.

My philosophy teaches me that since you can’t change the past, you can only only learn and move forward. The Stoics make it seem like it is an instant pivot, but I believe the powerful lessons come when you pause and let yourself feel and admit your new understanding of yourself to the universe. Don’t numb it!

“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but unwilling to improve themselves.”

I’ve recently been forced to see myself for the first time. To recognize some harsh truths about some behaviors. I am now aware and committed to correcting these behaviors I previously could not see or understand. It fucking sucks, it hurts but it is necessary. Just when you think you have tackled the hard stuff you have to tackle the really hard stuff.

I am mad at myself for not seeing this before. I am mad I did not give up drinking years ago when Walker encouraged me. I am mad I did not have the foresight to be patient on this journey. I am mad I hurt someone special. It is hard to looking back on the last 20 years of my life and see these patterns in every relationship. But here we are and forward we go.

In six months from now what will I have learned about myself? What man will I be? Hold me accountable. I am still learning a lot about myself. Please be patient with me.

I love y’all

It has been over half a year since I stopped drinking (190 days). This is an attempt at an honest reflection. Is it worth it? Absolutely. However, it is not easy or without pain. For me. For those who love me. If addiction is a wave of destruction, sobriety is a rollercoaster of emotion, shortcomings and learning. Joy and Pain. Like sunshine and rain.

Ashtanga yoga was essential to my decision to stop drinking. Yoga helped me understand what was wrong in my life and what needed to change. I have made more progress in 6 months of not drinking than the three years before.

I experience joy, much joy. I was unfamiliar with the emotion. I think I had the happiest days of the last 20 years in the last 6 months. Taking my niece and nephew to the Renaissance Festival is the best day I’ve ever had.

I rediscovered a passion for learning and study, and unearthed a love for philosophy. It now sit and learn from the likes of Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus and Pantajali daily. Living is an art.

I love being present when I am with people. It is the greatest gift I can give. It is a struggle in this age of distraction, but I do my best.

It has not been without pain. It is hard it is to love someone who has chosen to get sober. We often don’t love ourselves. Even in sobriety, I can leave a wake of destruction as I struggle to figure out who I am.

I now know what it really feels like to hurt and disappoint without my armor of whiskey to protect me. I have no way to hide from it. No substances to blame for my behavior. I have no excuses. I am left wishing I had done things differently. I carry the responsibility to learn from it seriously.

I vacillate between being open and vulnerable and being scared and needing to protect myself. I now exist with the same thoughts and feelings that drove my addictions but without a way to numb them. I am raw and exposed, often flailing.

But above all I am grateful. I am grateful to all of my friends who love and support me. You continue to love me even when I don’t love myself. It has taken an army of people to get to where I am today. Thank you. I hope I am honoring you with the path I am on. I will not let you down.

I love you.