Monthly Archives: September 2017

Day 270 of Complete Sobriety: Night and Day

A couple of nights ago, a coworker and I were goofing around after an event and taking pictures under the lights outside of the Fox Theatre. We were laughing and being silly. A random snapshot captured the picture on the right.

I cherish this moment. I remembered a time when this type of casual playfulness was foreign to me, especially sober.

The picture on the left was taken around Feb 2013. Six months prior I was recruited from teaching to be a software developer. I was elected to chair a board committee at my alma mater. This photo was taken because I had just pledged $10,000 to help inspire young alumni to give back. I was proud to be featured in the alumni magazine. To the observer and even some of my closest friends, it seemed was on top of the world.

Comments on social media hinted at a different story:

“Something’s missing in that picture…OH! I know!!! No cocktail in your hand!”

“A picture of him in a raft with a beverage would have been better!”

The reality was I was only sober a few hours of the day. I weighed nearly 250 lbs. I hated myself. I was willing to be whoever others needed me to make people like me. I gave thousands of dollars just for approval and recognition. I was talented enough to hide my darkness, but it was tearing me apart.

This picture shows how much one can change in 4 years.

May 25th, 2013 – I walked into my psychologist’s office, Dr. Philip Flores, and admitted I needed help. I began treatment for a decade-long battle with substance abuse.

Jan 13th, 2014 – I was introduced to Ashtanga yoga and the loving community at Balance Yoga Atlanta. The Ashtanga method of practicing yoga is transformational.

Jan 1st 2017 – I stopped drinking so I could have the clarity to truly understand myself, begin to heal and focus on being the best human I can be.

Today I am better. I am grateful. I now do things I love. I now give because I care. I now have a lot of love to give.

Funny, I am never asked if choosing sobriety is worth it. I believe no one asks because the difference in me is like night and day.

Fee free to share if you think it will help someone.

I attempted to read the Yoga Sutras years ago as part of a 3 month Ashtanga immersion at our shala. They not resonate with me. The language seemed too dense and odd (ie colored impressions), but I had bought the book and it remained on my shelf.

There was no grand plan earlier this year to begin studying the sutras. Newly sober, I was as scattered as I can ever remember being in life. I was caught in a tornado of figuring myself out and barely understood myself from moment to moment. One night in June, I was extremely restless and indecisive. I’d pick up a book only to start a movie then I would tire of it and surf new television shows to stream. I flipped open Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and randomly read:

3.11 sarvarthata ekagratayoh ksaya udayau cittasya samadhiparinamah

The weakening of scattered attention and the rise of one-pointed attention in the citta is the transformation towards samadhi.

You should know I am fascinated with Jung’s concept of synchronicity. Hole. Lee. Shit. I was scatterbrained as hell, and I find this. I started writing. The passage continued to make me think and inspired the chemist in me to relate it to quantum mechanics. As I focused and wrote more about how inconsistent I was being in life I began to calm, and in that peace I caught a glimpse of what might be going on. I now had some awareness.

I started reading the sutras regularly and recently been reflecting on these two:

2.1 tapah svadhyaya Isvarapranidhanani kriyayogah

Burning zeal in practice, self-study and study of scriptures, and surrender to God are the acts of yoga.

2.2 samahdi bhavanarthah klesa tanukaranarthasca

The practice of yoga reduces afflictions and leads to samadhi.

This has been my experience with yoga. The self discipline of practice led me to examine myself and even though I understand more than ever about myself, the things I have not yet been able to address, I try to surrender to the universe and have faith it will work out as long as I continue to take proper action.

Kriyayogah is the yoga of action. I’ll see you on the mat.