Monthly Archives: November 2018

Many of you only know about past behaviours through my stories, and those of you who knew me before I got sober, only saw what I allowed you to see. People knew I liked to party and often drank “too much”. No one knew to what extent I was drinking.
A friend sent me the picture from April 2012. It’s as close a picture I have to what my old life was like. This was just a beautiful summer day, probably around 1pm, I was drinking Jack Daniels straight out of the bottle, and even this picture doesn’t show the numerous other substances that were likely in my body. This was my normal.

Neither best friend nor girlfriend knew I was battling a drug addiction. Plenty of other people knew I did a lot of drugs because they’d want me to hook them up. To them it was some fun they had when they got drunk on the weekends but for me it never stopped.
I thought that was living. I was killing myself.
There is a great book called the Principal of the Path by Andy Stanley. Stanley argues that although we can’t predict the future with absolute certainty, if we pause to extrapolate the path we are on, we can see the possibilities of where the path leads. If we don’t like those outcomes then we need to take action to set ourselves on a new path with new possible outcomes. The scientist in me like to think of this as taking peak in the 5th dimension and observing my possible timelines.

My path led to an early death, jail, and causing other great sadness.

I chose a different way. I admitted to my best friends and girlfriend I had a problem. I surrendered to the guidance of others. I learned about myself and why I behave the way I do. I took up yoga to start healing my body.

I used to hate myself, and I did everything I could to destroy my childhood identity. Now I am thankful to be alive. I don’t hate the guy on the left anymore, I love him. I love him because I would not be the man I am today without him.

If the guy on the left can change, anyone can change, and that gives me hope for all of humankind.

We are all on this journey together, let’s not make enemies of ourselves or each other.

“I know what I’m asking but would you be willing to take on a project like me?”

“I am willing to help in any way I can, but this is not my project to take on. It is your project.

Writing it tore my heart. I’m open to talking to anyone who reaches out. I am willing to share my story with anyone that wants to hear it.

I’m happy to hear people questioning their behaviors — it is the first step, but sobriety is an internal project. No one else can take it on.

I know they didn’t mean it that way. They just needed help, but in matters of life and death honesty is required.

No one can save you, but you. I waited forever for someone to save me. People tried. People cared. But ultimately they were powerless.

I had to come to the conclusion, and then I had to do the work.

You can’t make your son or daughter stop doing drugs. You can’t make your brother or sister quit drinking.

You can support them. You can be a source of accountability. Maybe you provide the spark that makes them begin to question their behavior. You can be a warm beacon in sea of cold despair; showing them that someone still cares, but you can’t force them to change their behavior. As hard as you may try, you simply can’t.

The addict has to want something different for themselves. Then they have to do the work.

The underlying reasons driving addictions are as different as those suffering. Many people don’t know why they do the things they do, if they are even aware they are doing them. Many don’t care to ask or know. The reasons can span generations or spring from a single moment of trauma. The trauma can be something that happened to them or some care they never received.

I can only share what has worked for me.

I continue to learn about myself and life through psychotherapy and studying philosophy.

I build self-discipline and strength through my yoga practice.

I share openly about my experiences and hope it can help someone.

I thought I’d die either from or because of my addictions. I thought I could not be saved.

I didn’t die. I am doing the work. I am very much alive. More alive than ever before.