Monthly Archives: May 2019

870 days sober: The Daily Minimum

Do you know what my yoga practice requires outside of myself? Nothing.

All it requires is for me to breathe, gaze and move.

No teacher required. No mat. Just me.

Physically it is as intense or as playful as you allow it to be. Mentally just stepping on your mat can be  a battle.

My practice as been sparse over the last few weeks. I’d like to say work travel and injury were the root cause.  I have a feeling it has more to do with my tendency, if left to my own devices, to run away from anything that is good for me.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so disconnected from this practice that has helped heal me. I haven’t been to Balance, my refuge, in days.

You would think  after 5 years of proof, this wouldn’t be the case, but the tendency is still there — a constant background tug telling me I am not good enough to be this well and happy, that  I am not a priority.

In Ashtanga, or at least in my Ashtanga community, we have a concept of daily minimum. Our practices can take well over 1.5 hours and the ebbs and flows of life do not always allow a full practice.  To keep up the discipline it is recommended to do a daily minimum: Three sun salutations A, 3 sun salutations B, yoga mudra, padmasana, utplutih, and shavasana.

All in all it would take about 15 minutes. Who doesn’t have 15 minutes to do basic maintenance for themselves?

But when I step on my mat in my hotel room or in my apartment, a thousand thoughts distract. A work email here. A sip of coffee is needed. The last sun salutations feels like it can simply be skipped.

I mean what’s the difference between two or three?

The difference is building strength in battling the negative tendencies of your own mind. The difference is valuing yourself enough to take just another 30 seconds of time to keep a commitment to yourself.

Today I went through the motions of my daily minimum. It felt like it was a must. It was not graceful. It was not focused. What could only take 15 minutes took almost 30?

860 days sober: Today I didn’t quit

After my second Sun Salutation the internal conversation started. “How in the fuck am we going to finish practice?” I was weak which was seemingly at odds with my practice earlier this week. I swear body states change as easily as mental and emotional ones.

Was it the weeks of travel between Charleston, Indianapolis, New York, Austin and Tampa? Or the cookies and cheese I enjoyed with laughter the day before.

At least I wouldn’t have to do a chaturanga or upward dog until I finished standing.

However, my mind was not being friendly to the cause. “You can stop here. It’s been a long week. You showed up. You did the minimum. This will build a little strength for tomorrow. Then do a “real” practice.” I transitioned to seated poses and kept going.

I’m guessing it was around trianga mukhaikapada paschimottanasana that I decided half primary would be enough.

But after each next pose my mind was telling me to quit. Not just to quit today but quit quit. “How long have I been doing this? Over 5 years. You’re still struggling in practice. You know you don’t have the time to dedicate like you should.” I was losing this battle. It wasn’t one I could win with reason. How do you battle your own mind?

After my fifth navasana, I decided to quit.

But I didn’t quit my practicing.

I quit listening to my mind. I stopped judging my efforts. I moved forward to the next asana and the next transition.

It was the only way. I did my full practice.

There are many theories of mind. Some people these manifestations are nothing more than chemicals and electrical signals in the brain. After graduate school I’d likely agree.
Dualist believe in a separation of mind and brain.

My psychotherapist would likely say it’s different aspects of my personality.

I have yet to form a solid opinion on the matter, but my experience tells me there is a fundamental “me” that’s getting stronger, fighting battles, and showing up more.

And I like “me” more than I ever have before.

Today I didn’t quit. Today I overcame and became a little bit stronger.