860 days sober: Today I didn’t quit
After my second Sun Salutation the internal conversation started. “How in the fuck am we going to finish practice?” I was weak which was seemingly at odds with my practice earlier this week. I swear body states change as easily as mental and emotional ones.
Was it the weeks of travel between Charleston, Indianapolis, New York, Austin and Tampa? Or the cookies and cheese I enjoyed with laughter the day before.
At least I wouldn’t have to do a chaturanga or upward dog until I finished standing.
However, my mind was not being friendly to the cause. “You can stop here. It’s been a long week. You showed up. You did the minimum. This will build a little strength for tomorrow. Then do a “real” practice.” I transitioned to seated poses and kept going.
I’m guessing it was around trianga mukhaikapada paschimottanasana that I decided half primary would be enough.
But after each next pose my mind was telling me to quit. Not just to quit today but quit quit. “How long have I been doing this? Over 5 years. You’re still struggling in practice. You know you don’t have the time to dedicate like you should.” I was losing this battle. It wasn’t one I could win with reason. How do you battle your own mind?
After my fifth navasana, I decided to quit.
But I didn’t quit my practicing.
I quit listening to my mind. I stopped judging my efforts. I moved forward to the next asana and the next transition.
It was the only way. I did my full practice.
There are many theories of mind. Some people these manifestations are nothing more than chemicals and electrical signals in the brain. After graduate school I’d likely agree.
Dualist believe in a separation of mind and brain.
My psychotherapist would likely say it’s different aspects of my personality.
I have yet to form a solid opinion on the matter, but my experience tells me there is a fundamental “me” that’s getting stronger, fighting battles, and showing up more.
And I like “me” more than I ever have before.
Today I didn’t quit. Today I overcame and became a little bit stronger.