Warning: Awareness may come with pain.
I've been completely sober for 200 days. The last 10 days have been the hardest since I entered recovery 4 years ago. I spent 20 years numbing pain and excusing behaviors I did not understand. I lived a persona who pretended not to care.
I thought addiction was the problem. It was but a problem.
I thought drunkenness was the problem. It was but a problem.
But when you are sober and willing to be aware, only then are you truly forced to examine yourself, see the truth and own it. And that truth for me is old and painful. My truth has to do with accepting myself and believing others willingly accept me. Unfortunately, as life goes, this type of understanding came only in hindsight and at a great cost.
My philosophy teaches me that since you can't change the past, you can only only learn and move forward. The Stoics make it seem like it is an instant pivot, but I believe the powerful lessons come when you pause and let yourself feel and admit your new understanding of yourself to the universe. Don't numb it!
"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances but unwilling to improve themselves."
I've recently been forced to see myself for the first time. To recognize some harsh truths about some behaviors. I am now aware and committed to correcting these behaviors I previously could not see or understand. It fucking sucks, it hurts but it is necessary. Just when you think you have tackled the hard stuff you have to tackle the really hard stuff.
I am mad at myself for not seeing this before. I am mad I did not give up drinking years ago when Walker encouraged me. I am mad I did not have the foresight to be patient on this journey. I am mad I hurt someone special. It is hard to looking back on the last 20 years of my life and see these patterns in every relationship. But here we are and forward we go.
In six months from now what will I have learned about myself? What man will I be? Hold me accountable. I am still learning a lot about myself. Please be patient with me.
I love y'all.