500 Days Sober: My Life is not perfect

namaste hands

I enjoy sharing every 10 days of sobriety. With a milestone like 500 days I hoped I'd have something profound to say. I don't, but consistency is an essential aspect to my life. So here goes...

My life is not perfect. I do not expect it to be. I don't want it to be. Perfect is unrealistic and exhausting.

Had my life been "perfect" I would not be the man I am today. I grew out of challenge, heartache, and darkness; much of it self-imposed.

I realize my circumstances are better than most.

Life is ambiguous. A tension between who you are and who you will be; our facticity and our transcendence.

I balance being ok with who I am today while seeking to be the best person I can be tomorrow.

I am grateful for what I have in life. I experience a lot of joy.

I also battle depression and angst. I worry about my niece and nephew. I wish I did more for my family. I wish we were closer.

I have the most supportive friends in the world. I hide at home many nights because I'm still learning how to connect with people without alcohol and drugs.

I have a yoga practice I love. I beat myself up over it. I call myself lazy. I know I need to keep breathing / moving / trying. Sometimes I don't. I don't know why. Breathe.

I remember being an asshole. I sometimes think I am too nice. I say the wrong thing all the time. I know better. I still do it. I think I'm being funny. I'm not.

I wish I was impeccable with my words. Some people find the humor. Some find me off-putting. I don't have to please everyone. I can't please everyone.

For all my accomplishments and responsibilities, I still can't manage to keep my apartment clean.

I often wonder what's more important, helping solve today's problems or solving interplanetary travel? Does anything truly matter after you die? Where should I invest my time?

Am I happy? Happiness is so temporary. Tomorrow I could be sad.

I prefer stronger and more resilient rather than happy or sad.

I am all these things. Often all at once.

I like myself even if I think I have small hands.

Namaste y'all.