650 days sober: Sometimes it enough to just be sober
I have a notebook of topics I want to write and share. However I didn't have the energy to put them out in the world today.
This week was a hard week.
When life is going well it is easy to let the systems you've put in place to keep you healthy and resilient lapse. You can forget the guardrails you've set up that protect you from your own Mara. Or how your ego, and a nagging injury, can pull you away from the discipline that gives you peace and strength.
It can happen slowly. Things seems fine until they aren't. You simply have moved away from the those things that give you strength. The next thing you know you've forgotten to take your medicine, or moved away from your daily practice, or haven't prioritized study. Your mind tricks you. Seemingly in an instant, your mind tells you, "you're sick, worthless, and alone.
For me, an addict in recovery, the feeling that you're not in control of your mind and actions is scary. I recall countless days you said "I will not" only to live in shame after doing exactly what I said wouldn't.
I'm fortunate that I have friends who allow me to reach out; who I don't have to hide anything from. They don't judge. They just listen and help me see what I cannot.
This thought brings tears as I know most people don't have this type of love. I know what it's like not to be able to tell anyone because you'd be criticized or worse, punished or alienated.
I am still sober. I am grateful for the lesson this week. I am reminded to do what is necessary to keep myself healthy and to be mindful about what I put into my mind and body.
I am thankful for friends that provide both love and accountability.