Fulfilling a commitment to myself to share where I am on my sober journey. I don’t feel obligated, rather this is a note to myself.
I didn’t practice this morning. I told myself I’d go this afternoon. I haven’t. Probably won’t. Definitely won’t.
My body has changed. A year ago I would make videos of jumpbacks. However that came with shoulder pain. I’ve been doing supplemental work to open my chest and shoulders. It’s working. My posture is better, I have more mobility. I’ve been told I stand taller. The cost has been strength as I now need to activate different muscles. My shoulder pain is gone, but now doing my full practice is a struggle.
I worked long hours in January. Both professionally and on personal projects. I loved it, but there was a cost. Tendonitis, in my right elbow, it sends me crashing to my mat in chaturanga. I should modify. I don’t until I have to. I wonder what has so much power over me that I won’t do what’s best for me. I’d rather hurt than seem weak.
I joke at others’ expense. I call it kidding. It is inconsistent with who I want to be as a human. I want to provide safe places for people to learn, grow and heal. I think I’m being funny. I think I make others uncomfortable.
I beat myself up about it. It is a cycle I’m trapped in. Something I haven’t solved yet. I thought when I stopped drinking this would go away. I simply want to be impeccable with my word.
It happened today. It triggered me and degraded my mental state which snowballed. It feels like it won’t end. But it will. My data shows it will. In the moment it feels like it won’t. It feels as if the hits keep coming.
I’ve sent this pattern a thousand times. Yet even aware, my mind runs amuck.
I could go to practice. I know right action is a cure. Doing my practice would help. But I won’t, why would I do what’s best for me?
Oh because I’m hurt and I can’t do “my real practice.”
Welcome to my mind.
Tomorrow will be different.