910 days sober: A perspective on letting go and coming back.

Modified Chaturanga

If you aren't careful to read this you may get the wrong idea. It would be natural to expect this modified chaturanga as the before that led to the jump back above it. When in fact it's the exact opposite.

The "after" is me today in modified chaturanga. This is part of my practice I don't want you to see.

My ego has kept me hurt and unwilling to do what I needed to do to take care of myself. I finally surrendered and came back to my practice. Humbled yet again.

I have tendonitis in my right elbow and a sprained big toe, yet I l've refused to modify my practice. The need to progress and perform fed into my fear of being less than.

I was willing to continue hurting myself rather than appear weak.

The pain made it harder to show up. Made it easy for my mind to say, "not today."

My need to perform also reared its head at work; a natural mindset in our culture and one I believe amplified in tech companies. This mindset coupled with my need to help and be a hero drove me into a wall.

I was in a quandary. I felt too tired and too broken to do the very thing that heals and give me strength.

All I could do was surrender and go back to the foundations of my resolve. i would just show up every day and do the best I can. For me. Not for anyone else.

I might view this as a step backwards, but the fear of being perceived as going backwards is exactly what stopped me from going at all.

In our world of constant progress, it may seem odd to take a step back.

But a step back is exactly what I need to recover and take care of myself.

Funny thing is I felt stronger showing up this week with the modifications I need than I ever did jumping back.